Prayer Requests...

I know there are so many things to be praying for in each of our lives.….the needs are huge! But God is BIGGER!
I wanted to share with you all the ways I am specifically praying and ask that if God puts me or sweet E. on your heart that you would consider praying specifically with me!
Please be praying for E.
• That God would be preparing her heart to leave the only home she has known.
• That God would be preparing both of our hearts to bond and attach as mother and daughter
• That God would surround her with His angels – protecting her, ministering to her, filling her heart with His love as she waits….
• That she would remain healthy and safe! That He would protect her emotionally, physically and spiritually!
Please be praying for the paperwork…I am really feeling that there is a spiritual battle underway to delay the process – the enemy does not want this little girl to have a family and a community that loves Jesus – so prayer is the ANSWER!
• That I would be able to pick up my child abuse clearance tomorrow – those are taking weeks to process, but I’m praying that God intervenes – the child abuse clearance is only good for 90 days – mine expired this month – I applied for a new one two weeks ago.
• That all of my paperwork would get to Russia by 1/10/11 – this is when everyone returns to work there – they celebrate from now until then – New Years and then Christmas is observed on 1/7- Russian Orthodox Christmas.
• That A. would be able to obtain a court date by 1/31/11 – my FBI clearance expires 2/1/11 – I have applied for new clearance, but it is taking about 12 weeks to receive new ones back and this could cause a big problem – DELAY!
• This is a ways out –but it’s on my mind because of my history with international adoption…..my US immigration paperwork expires 5/2/11 – if I am unable to get her home by then I would have to start ALL OVER – I have already filed for my one free extension – when this expires it expires and you have to start from scratch – which means new homestudy, new application – not only does that translate into thousands of dollars, but the process is taking months…I know the Lord knows all of this…please be praying with me that E. will be home LONG before May 2nd.
Thank you all for standing with me over these past three and a half years….your prayers and love mean the world to me!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! I can't believe another one has come and gone. Where does the time go? We had a very nice day. My niece, Syd, opened a truckload of gifts this am. Of course, she enjoyed herself. One of the things she had asked for was a Rapunzel doll from the new Disney flick Tangled - she received one, but it wasn't quite what she had in mind. I think she was hoping for a "Barbie" version - the one she got was almost three feet tall and I think it seemed a little "babyish" to her. Her mom told her that my aunt had sent the gift receipt and she could return it. Right away she said "no, I think I'd like to give it to E. Don't you think she'd like to play with it when she gets home, Auntie?" Awwww - that is just about the sweetest thing - and yes, I think she'd love it. Christmas spirit - thinking of others rather than yourself - from the heart of an eleven year old. Just what I needed.
Hang on E. - your family loves you and can't wait to play with you.

The Paper Chase!

Where to begin? I was so hoping to have "Part 2" of my dossier winging its way to Moscow by now. HA! Wishful thinking! I feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel - spinning like crazy - going nowhere! ARGH! Just about the time I think I have all the paperwork together I realize something is going to expire.
State police clearance expires this month so I sent that off the beginning of last week - it came back today - wonderful, right? NOT! They spelled my last name wrong. So frustrating - they spelled it correctly at the top of the letter and then wrong when they referenced me in the body of the letter. I called them to explain the problem and they said please fax us a copy of what you received and a letter explaining what the issue is. Not difficult - but it ate up another 45 minutes of my time. And tomorrow is Christmas Eve - so I wonder when I will get the corrected copies back?
My sister's medical clearance was finally signed by her doctor today, but the notary that works in the medical office is out until 12/29 so it won't be ready to take downtown for the Apostille until then.
I realized that my FBI clearance (which can take up to 12 weeks to receive back) will expire February 1st - meaning I better start now since it could take a long time to get back and there is no guarantee I will get a court date in January - especially if I can't get the rest of my paperwork over there quickly. So today my sister (what a gem she is) and I went for the millionth time (OK I may be exaggerating a bit, but not much) to be fingerprinted for the FBI clearance.
And of course, every little bit of this costs time and money!
I'm feeling so sick of the whole thing! And frustrated to be constantly chasing down paperwork, updating things that expire, asking my sister to get something notarized, or go get fingerprinted. When will this ever end? I just want to get my girl home. I'm in the midst of one big pity party today....I promise I'll get over it by tomorrow....but today....I'm just plain MAD and SAD!

The Littlest Blessings

There are many things that I am grateful for as I remember my trip to Moscow....and I dont' want to forget them. Here is a small list.
I'm thankful for...
• Aisle seats – I need to move when I’m on a long flight and so sitting on the aisle is ideal for me – so I may get up and down to my heart’s content without being worried about disturbing anyone else. Even though I had to change my flight to a day earlier at the last minute – I still had aisle seats on the long flights – I’m so grateful!
• Making connections – I only had an hour in Frankfurt and somehow, even after we arrived in Frankfurt 45 mins early and then sat on the tarmac for an hour an fifteen minutes waiting for a gate, somehow I made my connection in only 30 minutes! Thank You Lord
• Sitting next to an American business man on the flight from Frankfurt to Moscow. He was a wealth of information and information is always a comfort to me. I like to know what to expect – (OK I’m a closet control freak)
• Baggage that arrived when I did! Two years ago when I went to Kyrgyzstan I landed on Sunday and my luggage arrived on Friday. It was a long week in one hundred degree heat with very little air conditioning!
• An uneventful trip through passport control and customs – I’ve seen one too many Bond movies :)
• Finding my hotel! That was a challenge – the shuttle stop was not marked well. It was dark and snowing and the paths were a bit icy, but finally I found a cab driver who spoke some English and was willing to direct me without pushing me into his cab.
• Clean hotel rooms! I don’t need fancy, but I do require clean – everywhere I stayed was very clean. The airtel even had decent room service and most of the staff spoke enough English to communicate. (Although I have to admit I’m so embarrassed that I only speak one language!)
• My daughter’s music teacher – she is a gem! While I was there she had my little angel and two other little girls come in for a music class so I could observe. It was so sweet. She let them each try multiple instruments; she sang to them, she danced with them. She was so loving and kind to each of the kids. It just warmed my heart. She is also the one who found five pictures of my angel and gave them to my coordinator for me. They are just precious.
• My medical exam is OVER! AND I passed! I cannot tell you how nervous I was about this. I can’t really pinpoint why – but the thought of being examined by eight different Russian speaking doctors filled me with fear (again - too much 007). For some reason, I just feared they would keep me from completing this adoption. It was an intense couple of hours, but it was just fine and it’s OVER! Woo hoo!
• OK this one is going to seem really silly, but I have a “thimble bladder” and one of the things I was nervous about (I know – silly, but!) was the long drives – I tend to stop often when I travel and I just wasn’t sure how I would do on the three-four hour trips – would there even be a place to stop? Somehow, my thimble bladder turned into the bladder of steel for the long car rides! (Hey, I said this was about the “littlest blessings”.)

Meeting You - December 7

It was lightly snowing as I arrived in your city. What a beautiful city. I hope that you and I will be able to visit together someday - in the spring, preferably :)
We went to the adoption center first to sign some paperwork and receive my invitation to visit you. I was full of anticipation.
It was a short drive from the adoption center to the Infant Home. My coordinator tells me this is the best one in the region...that is encouraging to hear. They usher me into the music room and tell me I would be meeting first with the director and doctors who know all about you. After a few minutes of waiting, a wonderful surprise - in you walk, wearing the prettiest bow in your hair, holding tightly to the hand of a caregiver. It's clear she is one of your favorites - you cling to her and she is such a warm woman - all smiles. She'd be one of my favorites too. I can tell you are very anxious. I wish I knew what she was saying to you - from the tone of her voices I can tell she is reassuring you, telling you it is OK, this is your mama. She wants you to feel comfortable around me.
One of my favorites at the infant home is the music teacher - she is a delight. Warm, and friendly, lots of smiles - she seems to genuinely care about you. She sings to you and encourages you to sing and dance with her. She gathers some of your favorite toys for us to play with together. Later in the day, when I asked about earlier pictures of you she searches her computer to find some :) I must learn her name and take a picture of the two of you when I return.
I know this was such a stressful day for you - so many eyes watching us, so many voices pressuring you to warm up to me - quickly. I wish they would all just leave us alone and let us get to know each other. They pressure me too, to try and hold you, to sit right next to you, to take you from their arms. I am certain you do not trust me - why should you? We've just met and you can't understand a word I try to say to you. Your caregiver tries to get you to dance and sing with her - it's very sweet really. You just stare at her - I'm guessing you must be thinking "are you crazy lady?" :)
I love your sweet pouty face. You pout often during our visits today - when they tell you to smile for the camera, when they encourage you to play with me, to sit with me, to let me hold you. You break into tears each time your caregivers try to sneak out of the room. I wish I could scoop you up and comfort you, but today you are just too frightened of me. I am actually encouraged by this - it's normal to be shy around strangers and today that is what we are. I am hopeful as I watch you interact lovingly with your caregivers. It is a good sign that you are able to attach and I am excited to think of beginning our life together. A life as mother and daughter. I will be back. I'm praying for you everyday. I'm asking the Lord to surround you with His love, to prepare your sweet little heart to leave the only home you've known. I am asking Him to prepare both of our hearts to bond with each other. I'm asking Him to send His angels to minister to you while you wait. To pour His love into your heart while you wait. To protect you from any harm.
You smiled at me a few times today - it is a beautiful smile - full of life and spunk! I cannot wait to get to know you more. To watch you giggle and laugh and run and play.

More from Moscow

WOW – I just can’t even begin to describe how the Lord has been moving on this trip. A life changing experience…and not all from meeting my little angel, although that was definitely precious, but more from experiencing the presence of the Lord. His promise to me before I left was from Psalm 139:5 – that He would hem me in – going before and after me and that has been my experience this week. Feeling a sense that I am right in the palm of His hand - in the center of His will. Thank you all so very much for praying – I am 200% aware of those prayers. In each situation I’ve encountered – and there have been some stressful ones – I’ve known His peace (Phil. 4:6).
Today was an emotional day – after much prayer and another consult with the international adoption physician via email I called my coordinator to say yes! I intend to adopt this sweet little girl. She was very happy and excited for me. At 9:30am we headed to orphanage for another visit, then to the notary to sign the intent to adopt paperwork. You really build your patience muscles here – between the traffic and the waiting – nothing happens in a hurry here. It’s been really amazing to just let it unfold – move from one task to the next without having any idea what might be next. I pretty much just go where they tell me and enjoying the view while I’m going.
I am in Moscow proper now– staying right near downtown at a Marriott – feels very much like one at home – such a small world. The drive from my little girl’s region took four hours due to traffic once we were within Moscow city limits. I am here for one night. Tomorrow I have the medical exam and then my translator will take me back to the airport hotel to be ready for my flight home tomorrow.
I wanted to share one sweet story with you. As I was leaving the orphanage today, the caregivers told my sweetie to give me a hug (they did this at the end of each of our 3 visits and mostly she complied – although not really willingly) today she came over and hugged me and as she stepped back she stopped and looked at my face and my eyes – then she put her hand in my hair ever so gently – it was a moment of confirmation for me. Just one of those moments of knowing – she is my girl and I sensed she knows I’m her mama. In each visit I touched her hair this same way and it was
as if she was touching me in the same way I had touched her.
Peace dear friends!

More from Moscow

WOW – I just can’t even begin to describe how the Lord has been moving on this trip. A life changing experience…and not all from meeting my little angel, although that was definitely precious, but more from experiencing the presence of the Lord. His promise to me before I left was from Psalm 139:5 – that He would hem me in – going before and after me and that has been my experience this week. Feeling a sense that I am right in the palm of His hand - in the center of His will. Thank you all so very much for praying – I am 200% aware of those prayers. In each situation I’ve encountered – and there have been some stressful ones – I’ve known His peace (Phil. 4:6).
Today was an emotional day – after much prayer and another consult with the international adoption physician via email I called my coordinator to say yes! I intend to adopt this sweet little girl. She was very happy and excited for me. At 9:30am we headed to orphanage for another visit, then to the notary to sign the intent to adopt paperwork. You really build your patience muscles here – between the traffic and the waiting – nothing happens in a hurry here. It’s been really amazing to just let it unfold – move from one task to the next without having any idea what might be next. I pretty much just go where they tell me and enjoying the view while I’m going.
I am in Moscow proper now– staying right near downtown at a Marriott – feels very much like one at home – such a small world. The drive from my little girl’s region took four hours due to traffic once we were within Moscow city limits. I am here for one night. Tomorrow I have the medical exam and then my translator will take me back to the airport hotel to be ready for my flight home on Friday.
I wanted to share one sweet story with you. As I was leaving the orphanage today, the caregivers told my sweetie to give me a hug (they did this at the end of each of our 3 visits and mostly she complied – although not really willingly) today she came over and hugged me and as she stepped back she stopped and looked at my face and my eyes – then she put her hand in my hair ever so gently – it was a moment of confirmation for me. Just one of those moments of knowing – she is my girl and I sensed she knows I’m her mama. In each visit I touched her hair this same way and it was as if she was touching me in the same way I had touched her.
Peace dear friends!

Day One - We Meet :)

This will have to be very short and oh so very sweet – I met my daughter yesterday!So much to share! But my laptop battery is dying – unfortunately I didn’t realize my adaptar to fit in the Russian plugs doesn’t accommodate 3 prongs so I can’t charge my battery.
But I wanted to thank you all for your prayers – God’s presence is just enveloping me! So thank you and please keep praying!
Off to the orphanage in a bit for another visit – then to the Adoption Center to sign all of the intent to adopt – then back to Moscow (a 3 hour car ride) – the dreaded medical exam is tomorrow and then home on Friday.

Arrival - I made it!

I am here safe and sound and my luggage made it too woo hoo! The trip went smoothly - very long!
The Lord put Psalm139:5 on my heart Sunday am and He really impressed upon me that He would "hem me in before and behind" - I really clung to that verse the whole trip it gave me such a peace! Thank you all for praying me here! Please continue to pray me through the week.
My coordinator will pick me up at 6am and we will head for her region to meet her :) I am so excited!
I am seeking to let each moment unfold and to be present for each of those moments. Looking for the Holy Spirit to show up in each and every one! May I be an instrument of His peace to those I encounter this week!

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Well, this is it! I am leaving tomorrow for Moscow. This week has been crazy - oh so much drama. Starting with getting my Passport/Visa back only to discover that my entry/exit dates were incorrect! Aaaaaaiiiiiiiyyyyyyy! It has my departure date from the country of 12/10 and my tickets were for departing 12/12 - plus my medical exam was 12/10. Oh my goodness it was incredibly stressful and VERY expensive. My ticket is now changed to depart tomorrow instead of Monday and my return will be Friday. The region I am adopting from will not schedule court until you complete your medical - so if I was unable to complete my medical on this trip it would mean 5 trips to Russia instead of the already extensive 4 trips!
The biggest disappointments are that my friend Elisabeth will not be able to travel with me and there will be about zero time for sight seeing while I'm there - it is going to be one packed trip.
I have to admit I'm really nervous about traveling alone....ok....downright scared! But I have a feeling that once I'm with my coordinator I will be just fine. And I know the Lord goes with me. So many are praying for me and I already feel lifted up. Thank you all!
I am dreading the medical exam. But that will be over on Tuesday and then I head to my region and meet my angel! I cannot wait for that.
OK - back to packing.....if you think of me this week say a prayer!

Trip One

Woo Hoo! I finally got travel dates. I am headed to Moscow on Monday! I really can't believe it's finally happening.
Things are falling into place....flights are booked, hotels are reserved, just a few hundred other things to do between now and then.
God is so good - I was able to find flights with less than a week's notice for $1015.
I have to admit I'm really nervous - especially given my history with I.A.
Praying that this time will be different!

Don't Shrink Back

These last few weeks have been full of drama - the drama of international adoption! And I have to admit as I've talked to God about it, I've spoken the words "just forget it! it's too hard!".

As I was swimming laps earlier this week, and complaining to the Lord in prayer about a new set of paperwork needed before trip one, I very clearly heard (now don't freak out, I don't mean audibly - I heard in my spirit) the Lord say to me "don't shrink back". These words hit me between the eyes and instantly brought both relief and a bit of confession - sorry, I'm such a whiner Lord!

The women's Bible study that I co-lead with a dear friend has been focused on the New Testament book of Hebrews. In chapter 10 the author reminds the readers of the ways they have faced very difficult times and remained joyful and confident in their trust of the Lord, with that in mind, he challenges them not to shrink back now with a new set of difficult circumstances - in fact, he tells them the Lord will "take no pleasure in the ones who shrink back!"

I think that is what I have been tempted to do - shrink back - give up the fight. It has been such a long and painful journey to this point and yet I see God's fingerprints all over it - I know He has been guiding me, He has never left me and has not forgotten me. And hearing this reminder not to shrink back strengthens my resolve to go the distance in this.

My dear friend Delene, from Zimbabwe, who has lived through her share of very difficult and painful circumstances, told me this summer that she is resolved to "let each moment unfold". It's her way of saying she is living in the present. Those sweet words came back to me as I went to my Bible study to see what else the Lord might be saying to me about not shrinking back. I think I am to let each moment unfold - trusting that the Lord is working out His plan for my life and my new little angel's life

Even though I have no idea when or if I will be invited to travel, and it seems clear that she won't be home before next year - I am committed to letting life unfold - to drink in all the sweetness and heartache each moment may have to offer - trusting that no matter my circumstances - no matter what unfolds - God is good.

Still Waiting...

I wish I could say the waiting gets easier the longer you wait, but it just doesn't. And Friday evenings with no news are the hardest! Knowing that the next possible news is two days away - it feels like an eternity! UGH!
I'm trying really hard to manage my expectations. It looks like trip one will likely be in a couple of weeks - I say that very skeptically, as I've been told "two weeks" for the past three. Sadly, the holidays are rapidly approaching and my adoption agency finally gave me the news that my sweet girl will not make it home before the new year. Since Russia celebrates the holidays for about a month I will probably have court in mid January and a gotcha trip in mid February. I also discovered that the region my girl is in requires 4 trips. Yikes! This means that between court and gotcha there is one additional trip - and rather than 2 weeks between court and gotcha there is about a month.
It's been a rough week - as much as I told myself all along that a Christmas gotcha trip was unlikely - I was holding out hope. Finding out there are four trips required and a longer wait between court and pickup pushed me over the edge a bit.
If I look at just the Russia adoption seven months from start to finish is very speedy! I have nothing to whine about. It's simply hard to pull those seven months out from the last three and a half years of waiting to bring home a child.
I'm holding onto hope....trusting that God has a perfect plan for my family....I'm just doing that through my tears right now.

Fingerprints and Home Deeds and Psych Evals, Oh My!

The amount of paperwork required to adopt a child internationally never ceases to amaze me! And might I just say how sick I am of having my fingerprints taken! Today made just about the millionth time! Ok, maybe a slight exaggeration, but do fingerprints change? I think not! So taking them twice seems to be over the top - and I have easily been fingerprinted twenty times during this journey!
The day started with the coveted appointment with USCIS to have my fingerprints updated - because, again you know these things change...NOT! I waited two months for this appointment - good grief! For some reason they had no record of needing to update my sister's fingerprints and, of course, at the field office where they scan your fingerprints they cannot take just anyone's fingerprints and they cannot look up adoption applications - must have a letter requesting them! UGH! So, my sister, rockstar that she is, drove across town to the office that specifically handles adoption immigration to request this letter and later drove all the way back to be fingerprinted. I truly appreciate her willingness to do this today - since they say that once they have our "updated" fingerprints my new I600A will take 30 more days to receive.
Next, a phone call from my adoption agency telling me that the certified copies of my home deed already provided are too many pages. They only want page one. So will I please provide two new originals of only page one, notarized and apostilled. ARGHHHH! Frustrating, but doable.
Lastly, this evening a phone interview with a psychologist who will, hopefully, :) write a letter, deeming me to be fit to be a parent.
I know it will all be worth it! And I would do it a hundred times over for my sweet girl! But I must say it is exhausting!

Fantabulous News!

Well, not THE news, but good news nonetheless!
One of the really frustrating dossier documents for me to obtain was going to be the certificate of assets. In the general dossier instructions, it must be signed by a CPA. Now, I love my CPA - self-employed for the past fifteen years, I would never have made it without her guidance and direction when it comes to accounting - taxes, write offs all of those details! However, after reviewing the document she quoted me $800 to sign off on this document! $800 for one freakin page, people! One page headed overseas! ARGHHHHH!!! Let's just say, I was not pleased with her jacked up price.
Today, my agency sent me the certificate of assets specific to the region my little angel currently lives in - AND - guess who gets to sign that one? ME! WOO HOOO! YEE HAW! AMEN!
I'm so excited and relieved that I will not need to pay for a CPA to sign off. Thank you, Lord!
In other news, we need a new furnace - but, let's focus on the good news :) shall we?

Feeling Grateful

Yesterday was my birthday and I spent most of it feeling blue...

It is the fourth birthday I've celebrated since deciding to pursue International Adoption and still no little girl at home. Wah!

I find myself in need of a serious attitude adjustment....what usually works best for me is focusing on gratitude and so here is just a short little list of what I am trying to focus on...

I am so grateful that I live just about 45 minutes from my state's capital - I can easily drive there (often :) to the SOS office to have things apostilled. Many familys live too far for two trips in one week. I never expected to have the distinction of being known by the folks at the desk at the SOS office - too funny - they actually know me by name! :)

I am extremely thankful that currently obtaining an apostille is free - if you are willing (and I am) to drop off one day and pick up the next. Many states charge $10 or more per document - which easily adds up to hundreds of dollars. For example, today I picked 24 documents!

I am ever so appreciative of my many bloggy and real world adoptive friends that have come into my life since starting this roller coaster ride - thank you for your love, encouragement and support!

I am grateful that my homestudy agency is working with me to quickly respond to new region specific forms needed before I am able to travel for trip one.

I am grateful that I am self-employed and can therefore create my own schedule - allowing me to run all of these dossier errands!

I am thankful - and very excited - that today I shipped off ALL of the region specific paperwork to my agency! Hopefully, clearing the way for trip one in the next few weeks!

And I am infinitely thankful that the Lord is ever so patient with me and my impatience through this whole process.

Referral Accepted

I so wish I didn't need to be vague here, but sadly I will need to be just that until after court! I have accepted the referral of a little girl - and that, my friends, is all I can say at this time.

Please be praying for things to move swiftly and maybe just maybe she will be home by Christmas!

Lord willing!

Yipppeeee!!!

I am frantically working on updating and adding some documents to my dossier so that I might be able to travel for trip one soon.

It's exciting to have something to celebrate. I can't wait to share more than that!

Dossier Prep Classes, Anyone?

I'm so happy to report that my "mini-dossier" was given an A+ rating. :) In fact, the director told me I could give dossier prep classes. Wow! I'm shocked - if you read my last post you know that I was a little more than nervous about how it would turn out since I am so not a details person - apparently my determination to have a successful adoption overrode my lack of attention to detail.
OK - it probably helps that of the 3 dossiers my agency received last week mine was the only one that actually followed the directions they sent.
Now, let the waiting begin - some more!
I am still hopeful that things will move quickly. But trying to manage my expectations.
My agency sent me a picture of the sweetest little girl - they are waiting for the medical. So we shall see.

Mini Dossier......check!

Today I shipped my mini dossier off to my adoption agency! Very exciting to have this requirement complete! I'm praying that there are not many errors, OK no errors would be ideal! I am just not a details person and dossier prep is all about the details! The millions of details! Hopefully, I will get an email from my agency letting me know it's on it's way to translation! That would be amazing. A few little bumps today, but nothing like last week.
I'm dreaming of my little darling! I can't see your face yet, but you are already in my heart!

Better than Expected

The end of last week turned out on a much higher note! On Thursday I hurried around re-doing the failed notary's paperwork. I also spoke with my homestudy agency and they will have all of my documents and homestudy ready for me to pick up on Monday rather than their first guess of next Friday! Woo hoo! I am so grateful! On Friday I made the trek downtown to the SOS office to turn on all 14 of those re-notarized documents and this time, success! They were all accepted and I will be able to pick them up on Monday, Apostilled and ready to be sent on to my adoption agency. In fact, I believe I will be ready to send my entire "mini-dossier" (ha! I really think that is an oxymoron!) plus a few other documents I have been able to collect for my full dossier on to my agency on Wednesday! WOW! That is exciting.
Once they have reviewed the documents they will be scanned and sent to Russia via email and hand carried by another gracious adopting family to Russia and into the coordinator's hands. Let the waiting begin (again!). I will await an official referral and an invitation to travel for a visit trip.

Dossier Prep X Cajillion

Have been working feverishly on my dossier prep. Oh so frustrating! I think my window of stress tolerance is very small these days!
Yesterday I had a few hours in the morning to work on some forms. I went to have my passport copied. Then I ran over to the bank to have a bunch of things notarized. I hate that part, because I'm just not a details person so I have to go in and give all these directions and sometimes the notary will really listen and sometimes we end up having to make more copies and start over because the notary uses black ink and not blue, or they don't put my full name on the document argghhhhh!! This signing session went pretty smoothly (the notary actually listened to what I needed and seemed to care!) and I still had enough time to get downtown to the SOS office (for those outside the world of International adoptions - SOS = Secretary of State) to have the documents apostilled - so I was feeling pretty good!
I made the drive in good time with no traffic it only took 35 minutes - I found parking with minimal hassle - still feeling really good! Made my way up to the SOS office and found the right desk for the apostilles and......that's where the good feelings stop! The clerk took my documents and typed the notary's name in her computer - she made a face - and not a happy one - it was a scrunched up face that looked none too pleased. She told me she was going to get a second opinion because she is really picky, but the signature on my documents for the notary does not match the signature they have on file for her. Seriously???? Minutes later she comes back to say nope, they won't apostille any of these documents because the signatures don't match - in fact, not even close. I stumbled out of there barely making it to the elevator before the tears start. Poor guy riding in the elevator with me had to listen to me sniffle - he was clearly wishing he'd have caught the next one!
Sigh....I realize this seems trivial....but it's just all so tiring and I've been at it for three years! I know it will all be worth it one day, but right now it just pisses me off!!!
I started over today - haven't made it back downtown - but I will!

Happy Birthday, Lucy

When you've been waiting to adopt a child of your own for over three years, you develop a certain longing for things to celebrate!

So, I am celebrating my furry child, Lucy's eleventh birthday!

Happy Birthday sweet Lucy Dog!

Officially....

pursuing an adoption from Russia. I am knee deep in dossier paperwork! UGH!!! I am praying that the third time is the charm.

Starting Over

Well, it's official, my journey to adopt Hannah has come to an end. I am filled with tremendous relief for my sweet girl that she is no longer waiting, and tremendous sadness that I won't get to be her mama.

This adoption journey is quite the roller coaster - and the sad part is that my story really isn't all that unique! Many families have a failed adoption(s), many wait three years or more to adopt, many try multiple countries or avenues to grow their family through adoption. This realization leaves me feeling both melancholy and hope! There is some relief in knowing I am not alone, I am not unique - maybe that way I don't have to see this as a door slammed in my face!

And so, a bit weary, a bit devastated, and yes, a bit hopeful too....I start over. Praying for guidance, discernment about where the path leads next.

I am not giving up....my dream to be a mom lives on!

On Hold

I wish I had some fabulous news to share, but at this time I am pretty much on hold with the domestic adoption. I have prayerfully come to the conclusion that I need to wait and see what happens with Hannah before I move forward on this second front. It's a tough choice because we could easily be another year away from bringing her home, but it's the right one.

A Visit

The girls' transition to their new family went very well. I think it was easier for the girls than it was for me. They were mostly just excited and happy about going to their new family. We said goodbye and I let them know that I would see them on Sunday. I left tearfully - they were engrossed in play with their new siblings. I will get to visit tomorrow.
I have to say that I have continued peace about my decision, but a sense of uncertainty about what's next? Sigh.....waiting again.

One More Sleep

When we were leaving F. and H.'s new family yesterday, their new daddy told them they would have 2 more sleeps before they would come back to stay with them. Tonight as she is falling asleep F. told me "only one more sleep!" It warms my heart to know that she is feeling so positive about going to live with her new family.

I cannot believe they will be leaving tomorrow. I have such a peace about it, but I am aslo so sad to say goodbye. I will miss them both. I am so grateful I will get to see them again soon.

This has been such a powerful experience for me - I don't even know how to put it in words.

Vocabulary Lesson

It has been so much fun trying to figure out some of F. and H.'s vocabulary...I thought I'd share a lesson....

yayas = boo boos
boo boo = poop
koko(s) = monster(s)
moco = snot / boogers (sorry!)
mote = remote as in remote control
baloo = blue = the color you guess if you have no idea what color something actually is
cared = scared
pilled = spilled

Answered Prayer

God is so good! The couple I asked for prayer about in the last post would like F. and H. to come live with them and be a part of their family! I am so grateful and excited. We met just mom and dad at McDonalds today and then this evening, Mom and Dad and their four kiddos came over for dinner with us! Tomorrow F., H. and I are off for a visit at their house in the afternoon.

Why in the world do I doubt You, Lord? You always provide! I get all worked up about the short amount of time and the "insurmountable" task of finding the girls the perfect home! But You had this in mind from the beginning! My part in their journey was to keep them from being split into two homes and to give them lots of love in their first weeks away from their grandma, until the W. family could be prepared to welcome the girls into their home and family.

Please be praying for the girls hearts (and Kristi's, Syd's and mine too) as they make this move - it's not going to be easy to say goodbye!

Prayer Please!

There is a Christian couple that is very interested in doing foster to adopt for F. and H. - I am praying that God would move mountains for the girls and this will work out quickly so that they only have to move once, from my house to their new family's house. That would be so perfect and just like God to work in that way!

Also - got an update on P. who you may remember from earlier posts was considering me to parent her baby girl - or so she thought. She ended up selecting her aunt and uncle to parent. Anyhow, I just heard she had a baby boy. Sadly, her aunt and uncle declined to parent due to the sex of the baby. And it also turns out the baby has heart defects that will require surgery. P. has decided to parent. Please be praying for healing for her baby and for P. as she parents four kiddos.

Heard Around Our House...

F. is five and H. is 3 1/2 - here are just a few of the things I am hearing around our house...

H. (while playing hide and seek with F. and Syd - it was her turn to count) "1, 2, 3, 8, 18, 8, 9...ready or not here me come!"

F. "Auntie, I go pee"

H. "Auntie, me go pee"

It's quite the announcement around here!

F. or H. while I'm in the bathroom...."Auntie, what are you doing in there?"

H. is still having trouble with calling me Auntie - she really wants to call me mommy, but I keep talking with her about how special her mommy is and it's important to keep that a special name - so she typically says "MamaAuntie" all as one word - it's really very sweet.

We are working on learning colors, animals, numbers, letters all kinds of fun things! At first no matter what color something was I'd here this from H.

Me: "What color is a frog?" pointing to a frog on a page...

H.: "Baloo" (translation: blue)

A Decision

I have prayerfully made a decision - it isn't an easy one and probably not a popular one, but I have decided that I cannot parent these two little girls on my own. If I could just care for one of the girls it would be a whole different story, but the two of them together is just way more than I can do alone. Their trauma history is significant, their need is so great and I am just one mom. I am sure there are other moms out there that could easily handle this - but I am not the one.
I realize I'm not doing any of this alone - the Lord is my strength! But I also have felt such peace since I made the decision that I know it is the right one.
I've been praying that the Lord would not let me have peace if I made the wrong choice....that if I was just making a decision out of overwhelm or fear the He would make that clear to me through discomfort with my decision (you know, like the kind you have when you know you are supposed to speak to someone you don't want to speak with or you are supposed to say something to someone that you are afraid to say). Well, once I really let myself say out loud that two is just too much for me, the only thing I felt was relief and peace. And it lasted all day long as I continued to pray about it. Even when I told my social worker tonight about my decision I continued to feel peace. She wasn't too thrilled at first and clearly tried to talk me out of deciding after only week, but as she asked me some more questions she seemed to realize that I wasn't just making a snap decision and she became supportive. This was really helpful as well.
They will be staying a few weeks and I am loving being with them and consider it a privilege to minister to them while they are with me.
I am trusting and praying that the Lord has just the perfect home for the girls and just the perfect little girl for my home.

Life is Messy

The girls are in bed - although not asleep. Bedtime is a struggle for them. Which is to be expected - only their third night in a new house.
I need to be brutally honest - I must say I am struggling too. This is a bit more than I anticipated - the emergency move - no preparation in my house - the intensity of the girls neediness given the change and also the depth of the trauma that they have experienced.
I have to admit, I am feeling in over my head in a big way! One moment I am absolutely loving this and the next I am trying to figure out how soon it can end.
They are absolutely adorable girls and also sweet and helpful and they truly want to please - and don't get me wrong, I love reading to them, singing to them, going for a walk today, listening to them giggle, hugs, kisses, teaching them colors and animals - there really are a million good things! But, again to be brutally honest - there are moments throughout the day that I am very uncertain about this. I hope that is to be expected.
Anyone already down this path of taking in high risk siblings - I'd love to hear from you!
And I'd love to hear from you even if you haven't already, but are on the path :)
I'm needing some support and input! So comment away!

From Zero to Two in Less Than Four Hours

I probably won't get to post much for awhile! CRAZY day. I was supposed to be traveling to Sioux Falls, SD tonight. About noon today I found out that it was cancelled. About an hour after that I got a call from my agency asking me if I would be able to have the girls move into my house TODAY?
WOW - well with my trip canceled I was able to consider it! Too much to tell, but suffice it to say I am going from being a mom of none to a mom of two - tonight! Well, actually in about thirty minutes!
I must be CRAZY!
Please pray for me!