Boo at the Zoo

What a lovely weekend. Yesterday we had an E. and mommy day - just hanging out at home...we tickled, played, we planned a grocery store trip and survived without any extra purchases...I always consider it a victory when I exit the store with nothing more than what I planned to buy :)
It was a very nice day. Last night I was thinking about what a great balance there was between interacting and playing and then doing our own thing....I got chores done she played happily by herself. I feel like that is something really new - it has taken a long time to develop. I feel so grateful...
E. is such an extrovert and days with just she and I are sometimes hard for her - she loves the interaction with people and of course with her friends. But I also see how too much stimulation sends her easily over the edge and she becomes a puddle of tears....enter Boo at the Zoo....too much fun....too much candy.....way too many people....too loud....all leads to a very long ride home with one whiny, tearful girl.
Glad we went also glad to leave :)
I only got a few pix, but they are cute - we went with our dear friends and E's BFF Jaedyn.

E. and J. talking with the UNC Mascot - she chatted with them and they loved it :)

Learning to Stay Present

Staying present seems to be an ongoing lesson of mine to learn. Professionally, I am a trained counselor and have worked with many families who struggle with attachment challenges. Perhaps similar to a doctor or nurse who brings a child into their home, I find myself "knowing" too much about attachment issues and as a result, I'm constantly looking for signs that issues are there. UGH! This is not helpful.

This week I was reading in Matthew chapter 6 in The Message version and these verses hit me square between the eyes!

Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

I realize the context of this passage is about money, but I so clearly felt the Lord saying to me "watch E. unfold with wide eyed wonder and belief in what I am doing in both of you! Don't live squinty eyed looking for problems! Allow me to fill you up with my light." And also, asking me to "give my full attention to what He is doing right here, right now in our lives and not worry about the next ten steps on our journey - focus right here, right now!"

So this has been my prayer this week - to live in wide eyed wonder, staying present to each moment as it unfolds.

Don't Shrink Back

These last few weeks have been full of drama - the drama of international adoption! And I have to admit as I've talked to God about it, I've spoken the words "just forget it! it's too hard!".

As I was swimming laps earlier this week, and complaining to the Lord in prayer about a new set of paperwork needed before trip one, I very clearly heard (now don't freak out, I don't mean audibly - I heard in my spirit) the Lord say to me "don't shrink back". These words hit me between the eyes and instantly brought both relief and a bit of confession - sorry, I'm such a whiner Lord!

The women's Bible study that I co-lead with a dear friend has been focused on the New Testament book of Hebrews. In chapter 10 the author reminds the readers of the ways they have faced very difficult times and remained joyful and confident in their trust of the Lord, with that in mind, he challenges them not to shrink back now with a new set of difficult circumstances - in fact, he tells them the Lord will "take no pleasure in the ones who shrink back!"

I think that is what I have been tempted to do - shrink back - give up the fight. It has been such a long and painful journey to this point and yet I see God's fingerprints all over it - I know He has been guiding me, He has never left me and has not forgotten me. And hearing this reminder not to shrink back strengthens my resolve to go the distance in this.

My dear friend Delene, from Zimbabwe, who has lived through her share of very difficult and painful circumstances, told me this summer that she is resolved to "let each moment unfold". It's her way of saying she is living in the present. Those sweet words came back to me as I went to my Bible study to see what else the Lord might be saying to me about not shrinking back. I think I am to let each moment unfold - trusting that the Lord is working out His plan for my life and my new little angel's life

Even though I have no idea when or if I will be invited to travel, and it seems clear that she won't be home before next year - I am committed to letting life unfold - to drink in all the sweetness and heartache each moment may have to offer - trusting that no matter my circumstances - no matter what unfolds - God is good.

An Unexpected Turn of Events

It's the season of Advent - waiting for the Messiah - who shows up as a baby, born to a virgin in one of the most unexpected places a stable. So why shouldn't I expect the unexpected?

My social worker called me Friday afternoon to ask if I would consider an emergency placement of sisters aged three and five years old, they need a foster-to-adopt placement before Christmas? Oh my goodness? I had just wrapped my brain around not hearing anything until at least January.

In an effort not to miss out on God's unexpected plans for my life, I said....ummmm....OK. So tomorrow I will be meeting with my social worker, the girls' social worker and guardian ad litem to discuss this opportunity and whether or not it is a good fit for all of us?

My sister told Syd on Friday night. On Saturday am when I came downstairs she wanted to talk to me. "Auntie, you won't have time for me anymore if you adopt these girls. And I don't know anything about being a big sister." As she told me these things she burst into tears. Heartbreaking. We talked about this for awhile and I reassured her that I will always make time for her.

I have spent the weekend flipping back and forth between sheer excitement to have two little girls to celebrate Christmas with and sheer terror at the same prospect - not at the being a mom part, but being ready in just a few short days! Ack!

I am a mess of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Praying continually, and trying to remain open to whatever God might have in mind.

When I got home this afternoon from lunch with a friend, hanging on my door were two of Syd's favorite dresses that don't fit her anymore, with a note pinned to them...."Auntie, do you think the five year old might like this dress?" signed Sydney. What a sweetie!

Just a few minutes ago Syd came into my room...."Auntie, I got over it." After she noticed my puzzled look she said, "I got over being scared that I don't know how to be a big sister."

Sigh.....God is at work. If you happen to think of me tomorrow at 11am please pray for wisdom, discernment and most importantly that God would make it clear!

Still Being Considered

I've met with the birth mom I mentioned in my previous post for a second time. Let me just say, I really like her. She is someone I would pick to be a friend.
This second meeting we talked for about 2 1/2 hours - she told me more of her story and I was able to meet her other two children (I met the baby the first time) - watching her interact with her older two children was really precious - she is very kind, but firm. Clearly she adores them.
I should know by the end of next week whether or not she has chosen me to parent.
Butterflies!
Lots of them....
Praying for wisdom...
Praying for direction for both of us...
Praying for this little baby girl's health and continued development...
So many things to consider...

Three Children???

I received a call from my agency today. My caseworker wanted to know if I would consider siblings? A four year old boy and a two year old girl! My heart is so excited and yet terrified at the same time. Can I parent three children? (I still hope to bring home Hannah) Sadly, my biggest concern is, can I financially afford to parent three children? When I take the finances question out of the decision - my answer is absolutely!
Lord, give me wisdom and discernment. I want to walk the path You have set before me! I know Your heart is for the orphan. Have You called me to be a family of four? I'm listening, Lord.