Learning to Stay Present

Staying present seems to be an ongoing lesson of mine to learn. Professionally, I am a trained counselor and have worked with many families who struggle with attachment challenges. Perhaps similar to a doctor or nurse who brings a child into their home, I find myself "knowing" too much about attachment issues and as a result, I'm constantly looking for signs that issues are there. UGH! This is not helpful.

This week I was reading in Matthew chapter 6 in The Message version and these verses hit me square between the eyes!

Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

I realize the context of this passage is about money, but I so clearly felt the Lord saying to me "watch E. unfold with wide eyed wonder and belief in what I am doing in both of you! Don't live squinty eyed looking for problems! Allow me to fill you up with my light." And also, asking me to "give my full attention to what He is doing right here, right now in our lives and not worry about the next ten steps on our journey - focus right here, right now!"

So this has been my prayer this week - to live in wide eyed wonder, staying present to each moment as it unfolds.

Home One Week

One week ago tonight we arrived home. After a 24+ journey we made it. It seems like ages ago. E. has been with me for one and half weeks and already I see her blossoming into her own little person. It is really delightful and sometimes incredibly frustrating (she's two after all :)

Things I've noticed...
In all of the three visit trips she rarely spoke - to me or her caregivers - here at home she is a chatterbox - she sings little songs out loud, she chats away to all of us and to her dolly - so very sweet - I need to figure out how to upload a video from my camera and I'll share one of her sweet little songs. I have to say the music teacher, Tatiana, at the Vladimir Baby House ROCKS in my book!

She is holding far less food in her mouth for lengthy periods of time - at the hotel in Moscow, Becky and I noticed quite often that she would still have food in her mouth an hour or more after we had eaten - sadly, I think she unconsciously was storing up in case she didn't get more. This has subsided quite a bit.

Her attention span is about as long as a flea's - or at least what I would imagine a flea's might be :) and oh my this is exhausting - all the moms of toddlers probably completely understand this. This morning we had play-doh'd, puzzled, colored, played this little piggy and danced around and it was only 9:30am - how in the world will I make it 'till nap time?

She doesn't push me away as often, she comes over to sit on my lap or right next to me more and more often. Thank you, Lord, our bond is growing.

We are finally getting over jetlag! Woo hoo!

I have to admit, while I thought I was prepared for how difficult this would be,
I wasn't...
It has been a long week
Adoption is messy...
language barriers...
getting to know each other...
me learning how to be a mom to a toddler right out of the gate...
E. learning how to live in a family...
grieving the loss of her life at the orphanage - not consciously, but grieving nonetheless,
yes, it's messy
and painful
and
WORTH IT!
I promise, more pictures soon...for now, good night.

Leaving On A Jet Plane Part 3

WOW - My head is spinning - I am leaving tomorrow...I don't even have time to write about it - so I'm posting the email my sister sent out to all of my praying friends and family. I promise to post more soon! One step closer - this will be my last trip by myself - woo hoo! And I will be 75% done with the travel. E. Should be home by the end of March. Woot! Woot!
Hello all. Kimberly found out this morning that she will be traveling to Russia TOMORROW for her third trip. While this is super exciting, it is also incredibly nerve wracking. Please be in prayer today and throughout the week for Kimberly. Here are a few things to be praying for:
• Peace. Please pray for peace of mind for Kimberly as she prepares for this very short notice travel.
• Health. She is not feeling great today (dang nerves), so please be praying for health and an abundance of strength for her on this journey.
• Safe travels. Kimberly will be traveling from Denver to Chicago, from Chicago to Munich (I think that's right) then from Munich to Russia. Please pray for no delays and safe and timely connections in all connecting airports
• Weather. Since you see how many connections she is going to have to make, please be praying for good weather in all cities so that her flight is not delayed at all
• Visits in Russia. This trip is for Kimberly to be able to get a passport for Emma. There is a good chance that Kimberly will be able to have some visiting time with E. on Thursday. Pray for some sweet bonding time for the two of them and that the orphanage staff allow her an extended visit. Please also pray that the influenza ban (no visiting last time due to influenza outbreak) has been lifted and all is well at the orphanage.

Kimberly covets your prayers. She will be leaving Denver tomorrow afternoon around 2:00 and will return to Denver on Saturday. Thank you so much for your willingness to pray.

Kristi

People Say...

the most ridiculous things! I really can't believe some of the things people feel the need to share with me! I mean, really?
I was at a party for a friend (where I knew only the friend and not the others) and she shared with the group about my upcoming homecoming with E. - she is excited for me and would be horrified to know of some of the things others felt the need to say.

I would liken my experience to a mom who is very close to giving birth, whom many feel the need to share horrifying birth experiences with. Again, really? Does a pregnant woman really want to hear about 30 hour labor experiences? Not!

Several women shared adoption horror stories with me....."I knew a woman who described her first year home with her adopted child as the year from hell" Really? You think it's a good idea to share that story with me?
"How much do you know about her family? You know there is a lot of alcoholism in Russia?" Really? Somehow, you think that's something I would want to discuss now?

Here were some of the thoughtless comments to me...
"So, do you know much about her "real mom"? I actually consider myself as her "real Mom"
"What is her name?" When I would answer - "No, I mean what was her real name?"
"Why didn't you adopt domestically" Kind of like asking - why didn't you buy American? There is such a tone of judgment that goes along with a questions like this. Or maybe, I just assume there is criticism behind a questions like this. You know, adoption is NOT an act of patriotism and adopting internationally doesn't mean I have a lack of patriotism, people!

ARGH! People say the most thoughtless things....I tried to be patient and kind in my responses, but I had to vent - hope you all don't mind! I need to work on my response to all of the questions about E's birth mom - I really feel like that is her story to tell - or not tell. Maybe that's my response...

From Russia With Love!

I am here and had a wonderful visit with my sweet E. today but boy was it a long 30 hours to get there. I hear mom's say all the time that the memories of labor fade quickly when you put your love goggles on with your new infant. Today I experienced something similar. Getting to Moscow this time was nothing short of a miracle. I woke up on Tuesday morning to about 5 inches of snow and it was coming down fierce. My dear friend Lesa braved the roads and the frigid temperature to pick me up and take me to the airport. One hurdle crossed! Made it through security and boarded the plane no problem. We even left the gate on time. We headed out to wait in line to be de-iced and then sat there for the longest time after being de-iced. The captain finally came on told us that some de-icing fluid had leaked into the plane. Huh? I'veer never heard of that before. So we had to wait for authorization to head back to the gate to have maintenance look at it. I only had a one hour connection in DC so I quickly got on the phone with United to see what could be done. They worked out an alternate plan for me to route from DC to Frankfurt and then Moscow but the couldn't confirm anything for me :( So I tried to stay calm and wait...and wait....about an hour later we were told to take our seats the problem was fixed....and so we headed out to wait in line to de-ice again. After de-icing we waited - I thought we were waiting for our turn to take off - nope. It turns out some fluid leaked in through the door - again! By this time the peace I had been feeling had vanished - I was close to tears and spent most of the next 24 hours in that state. I am giving the Reader's Digest version here - United re-booked me and my agency called the region to see what we would do about my new later arrival time. The region said no problem we will be there and will take you to the region that night. Original plan - leave Denver at 10:30am arrive Moscow 11am next day - God's plan - hang out at DIA all day leave Denver at 5:40pm fly to Frankfurt connect to Moscow and arrive at 6:40pm the next day - file a lost baggage report and leave the airport with my driver at 8pm to head for E.s region. Arrive at my hotel at midnight. Whew - what a long day! And what a harrowing 4 hour drive on snowy, icy roads in a Camry - with my driver who spoke no English and kept passing folks on a two lane highway in said Camry on the snowy, icy roads - YIKES! We had some tough angels surrounding us! Spending an hour with E. today makes it all worth it! She was shy and tentative with me again, but she had the pictures I left last time and we looked at those together. Dear Ann printed multiple copies of pictures of my first visit with E. and I brought those with me. She loved looking at those and we added them to her photo album. One of the caregivers told me that whenever they look at the album or the toys I left E. says "Mama, Mama Mama, My Mama!" Isn't that the sweetest? Warms my heart. By the end of the visit she was willing to sit on my lap and we colored together (getting to that point included some screaming and crying when the caregivers kept trying to leave her alone with me - she wanted none of that!) But I was thrilled that the journey of tears led to a content little girl sitting on my lap, letting me rub her back and stroke her hair and kiss her cheek.....bliss! I can,t think of anyplace I''d rather be! And 30 hours to get there to arrive without luggage? Oh well - it's no matter!
We have court tomorrow at 2pm...and then she will be officially my daughter. Simply amazing.

The Paper Chase!

Where to begin? I was so hoping to have "Part 2" of my dossier winging its way to Moscow by now. HA! Wishful thinking! I feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel - spinning like crazy - going nowhere! ARGH! Just about the time I think I have all the paperwork together I realize something is going to expire.
State police clearance expires this month so I sent that off the beginning of last week - it came back today - wonderful, right? NOT! They spelled my last name wrong. So frustrating - they spelled it correctly at the top of the letter and then wrong when they referenced me in the body of the letter. I called them to explain the problem and they said please fax us a copy of what you received and a letter explaining what the issue is. Not difficult - but it ate up another 45 minutes of my time. And tomorrow is Christmas Eve - so I wonder when I will get the corrected copies back?
My sister's medical clearance was finally signed by her doctor today, but the notary that works in the medical office is out until 12/29 so it won't be ready to take downtown for the Apostille until then.
I realized that my FBI clearance (which can take up to 12 weeks to receive back) will expire February 1st - meaning I better start now since it could take a long time to get back and there is no guarantee I will get a court date in January - especially if I can't get the rest of my paperwork over there quickly. So today my sister (what a gem she is) and I went for the millionth time (OK I may be exaggerating a bit, but not much) to be fingerprinted for the FBI clearance.
And of course, every little bit of this costs time and money!
I'm feeling so sick of the whole thing! And frustrated to be constantly chasing down paperwork, updating things that expire, asking my sister to get something notarized, or go get fingerprinted. When will this ever end? I just want to get my girl home. I'm in the midst of one big pity party today....I promise I'll get over it by tomorrow....but today....I'm just plain MAD and SAD!

Don't Shrink Back

These last few weeks have been full of drama - the drama of international adoption! And I have to admit as I've talked to God about it, I've spoken the words "just forget it! it's too hard!".

As I was swimming laps earlier this week, and complaining to the Lord in prayer about a new set of paperwork needed before trip one, I very clearly heard (now don't freak out, I don't mean audibly - I heard in my spirit) the Lord say to me "don't shrink back". These words hit me between the eyes and instantly brought both relief and a bit of confession - sorry, I'm such a whiner Lord!

The women's Bible study that I co-lead with a dear friend has been focused on the New Testament book of Hebrews. In chapter 10 the author reminds the readers of the ways they have faced very difficult times and remained joyful and confident in their trust of the Lord, with that in mind, he challenges them not to shrink back now with a new set of difficult circumstances - in fact, he tells them the Lord will "take no pleasure in the ones who shrink back!"

I think that is what I have been tempted to do - shrink back - give up the fight. It has been such a long and painful journey to this point and yet I see God's fingerprints all over it - I know He has been guiding me, He has never left me and has not forgotten me. And hearing this reminder not to shrink back strengthens my resolve to go the distance in this.

My dear friend Delene, from Zimbabwe, who has lived through her share of very difficult and painful circumstances, told me this summer that she is resolved to "let each moment unfold". It's her way of saying she is living in the present. Those sweet words came back to me as I went to my Bible study to see what else the Lord might be saying to me about not shrinking back. I think I am to let each moment unfold - trusting that the Lord is working out His plan for my life and my new little angel's life

Even though I have no idea when or if I will be invited to travel, and it seems clear that she won't be home before next year - I am committed to letting life unfold - to drink in all the sweetness and heartache each moment may have to offer - trusting that no matter my circumstances - no matter what unfolds - God is good.

Better than Expected

The end of last week turned out on a much higher note! On Thursday I hurried around re-doing the failed notary's paperwork. I also spoke with my homestudy agency and they will have all of my documents and homestudy ready for me to pick up on Monday rather than their first guess of next Friday! Woo hoo! I am so grateful! On Friday I made the trek downtown to the SOS office to turn on all 14 of those re-notarized documents and this time, success! They were all accepted and I will be able to pick them up on Monday, Apostilled and ready to be sent on to my adoption agency. In fact, I believe I will be ready to send my entire "mini-dossier" (ha! I really think that is an oxymoron!) plus a few other documents I have been able to collect for my full dossier on to my agency on Wednesday! WOW! That is exciting.
Once they have reviewed the documents they will be scanned and sent to Russia via email and hand carried by another gracious adopting family to Russia and into the coordinator's hands. Let the waiting begin (again!). I will await an official referral and an invitation to travel for a visit trip.

Dossier Prep X Cajillion

Have been working feverishly on my dossier prep. Oh so frustrating! I think my window of stress tolerance is very small these days!
Yesterday I had a few hours in the morning to work on some forms. I went to have my passport copied. Then I ran over to the bank to have a bunch of things notarized. I hate that part, because I'm just not a details person so I have to go in and give all these directions and sometimes the notary will really listen and sometimes we end up having to make more copies and start over because the notary uses black ink and not blue, or they don't put my full name on the document argghhhhh!! This signing session went pretty smoothly (the notary actually listened to what I needed and seemed to care!) and I still had enough time to get downtown to the SOS office (for those outside the world of International adoptions - SOS = Secretary of State) to have the documents apostilled - so I was feeling pretty good!
I made the drive in good time with no traffic it only took 35 minutes - I found parking with minimal hassle - still feeling really good! Made my way up to the SOS office and found the right desk for the apostilles and......that's where the good feelings stop! The clerk took my documents and typed the notary's name in her computer - she made a face - and not a happy one - it was a scrunched up face that looked none too pleased. She told me she was going to get a second opinion because she is really picky, but the signature on my documents for the notary does not match the signature they have on file for her. Seriously???? Minutes later she comes back to say nope, they won't apostille any of these documents because the signatures don't match - in fact, not even close. I stumbled out of there barely making it to the elevator before the tears start. Poor guy riding in the elevator with me had to listen to me sniffle - he was clearly wishing he'd have caught the next one!
Sigh....I realize this seems trivial....but it's just all so tiring and I've been at it for three years! I know it will all be worth it one day, but right now it just pisses me off!!!
I started over today - haven't made it back downtown - but I will!

Officially....

pursuing an adoption from Russia. I am knee deep in dossier paperwork! UGH!!! I am praying that the third time is the charm.

Starting Over

Well, it's official, my journey to adopt Hannah has come to an end. I am filled with tremendous relief for my sweet girl that she is no longer waiting, and tremendous sadness that I won't get to be her mama.

This adoption journey is quite the roller coaster - and the sad part is that my story really isn't all that unique! Many families have a failed adoption(s), many wait three years or more to adopt, many try multiple countries or avenues to grow their family through adoption. This realization leaves me feeling both melancholy and hope! There is some relief in knowing I am not alone, I am not unique - maybe that way I don't have to see this as a door slammed in my face!

And so, a bit weary, a bit devastated, and yes, a bit hopeful too....I start over. Praying for guidance, discernment about where the path leads next.

I am not giving up....my dream to be a mom lives on!

A Visit

The girls' transition to their new family went very well. I think it was easier for the girls than it was for me. They were mostly just excited and happy about going to their new family. We said goodbye and I let them know that I would see them on Sunday. I left tearfully - they were engrossed in play with their new siblings. I will get to visit tomorrow.
I have to say that I have continued peace about my decision, but a sense of uncertainty about what's next? Sigh.....waiting again.

A Decision

I have prayerfully made a decision - it isn't an easy one and probably not a popular one, but I have decided that I cannot parent these two little girls on my own. If I could just care for one of the girls it would be a whole different story, but the two of them together is just way more than I can do alone. Their trauma history is significant, their need is so great and I am just one mom. I am sure there are other moms out there that could easily handle this - but I am not the one.
I realize I'm not doing any of this alone - the Lord is my strength! But I also have felt such peace since I made the decision that I know it is the right one.
I've been praying that the Lord would not let me have peace if I made the wrong choice....that if I was just making a decision out of overwhelm or fear the He would make that clear to me through discomfort with my decision (you know, like the kind you have when you know you are supposed to speak to someone you don't want to speak with or you are supposed to say something to someone that you are afraid to say). Well, once I really let myself say out loud that two is just too much for me, the only thing I felt was relief and peace. And it lasted all day long as I continued to pray about it. Even when I told my social worker tonight about my decision I continued to feel peace. She wasn't too thrilled at first and clearly tried to talk me out of deciding after only week, but as she asked me some more questions she seemed to realize that I wasn't just making a snap decision and she became supportive. This was really helpful as well.
They will be staying a few weeks and I am loving being with them and consider it a privilege to minister to them while they are with me.
I am trusting and praying that the Lord has just the perfect home for the girls and just the perfect little girl for my home.

Life is Messy

The girls are in bed - although not asleep. Bedtime is a struggle for them. Which is to be expected - only their third night in a new house.
I need to be brutally honest - I must say I am struggling too. This is a bit more than I anticipated - the emergency move - no preparation in my house - the intensity of the girls neediness given the change and also the depth of the trauma that they have experienced.
I have to admit, I am feeling in over my head in a big way! One moment I am absolutely loving this and the next I am trying to figure out how soon it can end.
They are absolutely adorable girls and also sweet and helpful and they truly want to please - and don't get me wrong, I love reading to them, singing to them, going for a walk today, listening to them giggle, hugs, kisses, teaching them colors and animals - there really are a million good things! But, again to be brutally honest - there are moments throughout the day that I am very uncertain about this. I hope that is to be expected.
Anyone already down this path of taking in high risk siblings - I'd love to hear from you!
And I'd love to hear from you even if you haven't already, but are on the path :)
I'm needing some support and input! So comment away!